I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
