She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
