i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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