You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
