It's Friday. Sex?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
