You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
