He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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