I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
