You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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