I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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