shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
