Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
