you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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