This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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