Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
