I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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