Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
