Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
