I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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