found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
