When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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