Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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