Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize