So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't turn off my feet"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize