Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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