R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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