I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
