the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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