I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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