I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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