i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Panties = found
Randomize
