His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
