I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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