4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
