It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
