Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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