I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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