The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
