Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
