Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
