My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
