We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
