is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
