textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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