We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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