the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
