i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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