I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
