smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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