Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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