i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
