dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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