fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
