We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I wear drunk well.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
