I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just pee around me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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