never play flip cup with pint glasses
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
